Meditation Knitting Introduction

Dear Readers,

Today I want to talk a bit about meditation knitting. It seems to be a popular phrase these days, I have seen many articles talk about knitting as mediation but they don’t really go into detail. They just say that knitting is good for you and your mind. So I have decided to write a series of blog posts about mediation knitting.(I would like to note that although I have written this is knitting most of this applies to crochet too! ) Continue reading “Meditation Knitting Introduction”

A quick Aside

Hi again,

Okay this is going to be my final apology for not posting regularily. No this doesn’t mean that I hope to somehow magically stick to a posting schedule. This means that I am going to try and accept myself as I am and just acknowledge that sometimes I can’t post and sometimes this will happen for months in a row.

My medication (for anxiety and depression) has not really been working (probably because I haven’t been recieving therapy and medicine helps the symptoms not the cause.) Anyway I sort of recently got to see a Psychiatrist through the NHS who is adjusting my medictaion and who also informed me that it is pretty much impossible for me to recieve onging psychiatric talking therapy. (Cue me having to go and find a private therapist who doesn’t cost an arm and a leg).

I am still in the transition between old medicine and new. Things have certainly been a roller coaster ride but they do seem to be somewhat on the up.

I hope that you have all been keeping well,
❀ Love Diella

Separation Anxiety

Hi all,

I have actually decided to go through my back log of posts that I need to do from when I went on holiday to South Africa, but I am doing this post first because it is particularly pertinent now. I don’t want to post it later on when it doesn’t really apply so directly.

Cat photos are at the end so if you clicked on this because of my shameless click baity photo just scroll down. πŸ˜›

Now I don’t actually suffer from Separation Anxiety as it is defined.

Separation anxiety disorder (SAD), is an anxiety disorder in which an individual experiences excessive anxiety regarding separation from home or from people to whom the individual has a strong emotional attachment. – Wikipedia

However my husband helps me deal with a lot of my depression and anxiety so when he goes away my anxiety tends to skyrocket. Unfortunately with the job that he has at the moment he has to travel fairly often. Thankfully the company usually flies him back home for the weekends so it is not too long that I have to wait until I see him. It is strange because he can often land up working quite late so even during normal weeks I don’t always see him that much, but just having him around and being able to have breakfast and supper with him helps me so much!

At the moment he is halfway through a 2 week away stint. Thankfully that means that he is coming home this evening and is only leaving again on Sunday. Now I want to talk about how this affects my life.

The one thing is that it makes me not want to do things on the weekends where I don’t see him. This has unfortunately been affecting my attendance to my knitting meet up group. This always occurs on a Saturday afternoon from 2-5 and I just find that I can’t bear to spend that time with others when I could be spending it with my husband who is about to leave for the whole week. This makes me sad because I do really enjoy my knitting group.

Another thing is the way that I take care of myself and the house. When husband is not around I start getting lazy and falling into bad habits like eating instant meals for dinner, not doing the dishes ect. But then the mess / mild malnutrition makes me feel even worse and I start spiraling.Β  Thankfully things don’t tend to get too out of hand but last year Husband had to go away for a whole month and by the end of it I had slipped into a depressive episode again.
This week I did pretty well at cooking for myself and trying to keep up with the housework. Towards the end of yesterday the house was beginning to look like a bit of a bomb site and this morning I just did a massive tidy up / clean. Next week I want to try and schedule in my diary time each day to do the dishes.
I find that writing things down in my diary / making a list means that I am much more likely to do something.Β 
I have also been doing a sort of mental reward system.
So say that I want to play a computer game, then I will tell myself that I can do that if I put the laundry on and pack away the dry laundry. I know that this sounds really childish but it really helps to motivate me to try and be an adult.

I tend to play computer games as a way to escape reality. So if I am sad/lonely/anxious I tend to play an excessive amount of PC games and don’t do anything in real life that needs doing!

Another thing I have done is try to find a balance between pushing myself and being kind to myself. So for example I have recently joined an artist meetup group which meets up during the week in the evening which is perfect for me because it means I don’t feel like I am missing out on Husband time. (he will probably be at home doing work anyway) So this week I had said that I was going to attend but when it came to the day that I had to go I really didn’t want to. I just wanted to stay home in my pajamas and mooch. So I decided I needed to go since I had not seen anyone the whole week and I hadn’t left the house either. How ever because it was making me so anxious I decided that I would only commit to going for an hour. Obviously if I changed my mind once I was there I would stay for the whole time. But I didn’t I just went for an hour and I was really proud of myself.

And that is all I have to say on this topic for now. I’ll try and let you know how next week goes. I can’t wait until we have our own place and we can have pets. I feel like having an animal to keep me company will really help me with the times where my husband is away.

I am sorry that this post has been a lot of text and not much photos. I will leave you with some photos of Salty (who lives with my mom in South Africa.) She recently had to have some dreadlocks cut out so her neck fur is looking a bit moth eaten.

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You can really see here where her hair was cut. It looks funny.
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Kitty was grumpy after having to go to the DOG Parlor!!

I hope that you have had a good week,

Love Diella
XXX

Catch Up Week

Hi again Readers,

Since Husband was away and I was not doing very much I didn’t really have much to blog about in the last couple of weeks. On top of that I was feeling kind of depressed again. So here are a few highlight photos from the last two weeks.

While husband was in the highlands he bought me two skeins of undyed yarn which was spun in a 230 year old wool mill.

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A photo from one of our weekend walks

I knit a colourwork beanie for my sister and she asked for rainbow colours it was quite a lot of work but I enjoyed the challenge.

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I finally sorted out all the acrylic yarn which I have brought across from South Africa.

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I discovered that I have 5 crochet hooks which are all 3.5mm … I don’t know how I landed up with so many.

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I designed and then crochet up a little animal army to keep me company.

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I started crocheting this blanket again after over a year hiatus.

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And finally, after feeling super depressed I tried to make an appointment to see the doctor but they couldn’t give me an appointment until the 9th so I passive aggressively self medicated by overdosing on sugar.

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I am feeling marginally better now that husband is back but I am still feeling very antisocial.

I hope that your October has been better than mine!
Love Diella

The Week of Cats and a Breakdown

Hello Again readers!
I don’t really have much to say about this week so lets just dive right in.

Monday was not a particularly interesting day and I didn’t even take any photos. I just cleaned the house and did house worky stuff. We did have friends over in the evening though and I got to meet friend I for the first time! Husband, friend R, friend E, and friend I all work together. But friend I was on holiday in another country when I came back to Edinburgh.

Tuesday I was pretty productive. I filmed a notice for my Knitting podcast and I filmed a new episode for my podcast. It is kind of funny, I always get dressed up for filming my podcast but then I never really go anywhere afterwards.

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Friend E came over for tea in the afternoon and it was really nice.

Tuesday was a bad day for me. For some reason I woke up really early. I usually wake up between 8 and 9 when husband goes off to work. But I woke up at 4.45am and I was wide awake. I took a blankie and stayed in the lounge because I didn’t want to disturb husband.

As husband was leaving we discovered that I had somehow got shimmer powder on is raincoat! I had discovered that my powder puff the day before had had shimmer on it and it had accidentally got on my face. It must have got on him when I hugged him hello the evening before. Anyway needless to say husband was not very impressed although it was a raincoat so it would probably (and did) wash off when it rained.

Then for some reason I got obsessed with having all my packaging ready so that I can start listing my Etsy pieces. So I decided to go off to the Hobby Craft at Fort Kinnaird once husband went off to work. However when I got onto the bus my card beeped a whole lot and I didn’t really see what it said so I freaked out and got off the bus. Now for you South Africans I will explain the system a little more. I have a special travel card which I pay 54 pounds for every month and then I get unlimited access to the buses and tram for that month. Now for the last few days (5 I think) it beeps more than once when you scan it so that you remember that you need to buy another month soon. I don’t know if it was because I have been away for so long or if I am still not doing that well yet but I justΒ  freaked out and decided that it was completely expired and that I couldn’t use the bus (even though it had done it’s normal one beep the day before) and I set off home. And on the way home I decided that in future I’ll just order everything online and I will never have to leave the house again.
A little extreme I know. And obviously I have left the house since then, but I was just not having a very good day.

As I was falling asleep the night before I had had an image flash into my mind so I decided to paint it as a way to try and de-stress.

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I told my mom about my bad day and she sent me a cute picture of Pangaea sleeping on her bed.

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Then in a further effort to try and cheer myself up I crocheted some bunting for our kitchen window.

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In the evening husband came home with a box of chocolates for me and he had clearly forgiven me for the shimmer make-up incident.

Thursday morning my sister sent me some funny pictures of Salty and Zoe both on her bed without her. Usual Salty and Zoe do not really get along but they seem to be tolerating each other better. Zoe is very civil to Salty although she is afraid of her and Salty is very mean to Zoe.

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The rest of Thursday was kind of a slow day, I did more house work and I started the drawing for a painting which I decided to paint on Friday.

In the evening husband and I went for a walk along a canal. While we were walking we passed a houseboat which had a kitty on top. I wished I could pet the cat but knew that I couldn’t. We stopped a few meters passed the boat to check directions. When I looked away from the phone I saw Kitty! Right at my feet asking me for love, so I willingly obliged.

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Friday was a terrible day! I woke up late and I hadn’t started doing anything productive when Husband messaged to say that our flat inspection is next Tuesday. Oh my word. Cue massive meltdown! Husband and friends tried to reason with me that our flat is always clean and reasonably tidy and that it will take no time on the weekend to spruce things up. But unfortunately my anxiety defies the laws of logic. I had an asthma attack, I was having heart palpitations and when I discovered that I left my “in case of emergency tranquilizers”Β  in South Africa I just lay on the floor and cried for a while. Then Husband probably guessing what was going on (from past experience) suggested I meet him for coffee near his office since it was lunch time anyway.
Getting out the house, doing a bit of walking and seeing husband did me a world of good.

Then my mom sent me tonnes of cat photos to cheer me up.

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Salty making a speedy exit off my mom’s bed after discovering that Pangaea was already there.
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Pangaea slept through the whole thing.

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Salty really likes to sit right under the Coffee Table.
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My mom said that Salty looks like an alien here.

On Friday afternoon I decided that my meltdown was a sign that I really need to sort out my medical status in the UK. So I went to my husbands medical practice and applied to have a doctor there too. They said that I can make an appointment from Tuesday. Unfortunately things are a little different here than in Z.A. so that is causing me some anxiety too. I only have a 10 min appointment and I am only allowed one problem per appointment so I need to go for 2, one for my mental health and one for my Asthma. And I have to hope that they refer me to a psychiatrist and for counseling. I don’t know if I will get a psychologist or a counselor but I really hope that I will be able to get the support I need here.

Once I was home I cast on a new sweater in an attempt to pretend that my life was not happening.

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Saturday was a good day. I am always a lot more calm when husband is around. So we spent most of the day sorting out the flat to make sure it is ready for the inspection. And then in the afternoon I went to my knitting group which was wonderful as always.

In the evening Husband and I started watching Dr Who. I know we are seriously late to the Dr. Who party but it is a lot of fun. And it is weird for me because usually Husband does not like watching series.

So that was my crazy week. Unfortunately it was a bit up and down but hopefully everything will be sorted out by next weekend. I hope that your week was more calm than mine!

Love Diella